Week 1

ThursdayNE 10 @ SEA 13

FridaySF 27 @ LAR 7

Sunday nightDAL 20 @ NYG 28

Monday nightDEN 10 @ KC 31

The Mega Bowl Dispatch Flint, Michigan · Year Fourteen · Tuesday morning, after Monday night

Walker Walks It Off

Brotherly Shove (Sean Bilger) trailed by 27 with one player left, and Hill Street Blues (Davis Martisofski) had the victory text half typed. Kenneth Walker deleted it. Davis, Isaiah Likely sat on your bench with 23.8 the whole time. Read that twice.

Filed from the group chat

Year Fourteen opened the way this league opens most things. Six games, two of them decided after the rest of you went to bed on Sunday, one of them decided by 2.54 points on a pair of Broncos who combined for 4.3. Half the room is 1-0 and insufferable. The other half is 0-1 and typing excuses into the chat as we speak.

Remember The Tateans (Luke Uliana) posted the high score, 145.40, with Matthew Stafford contributing 4.1 of it, so Luke won the week with a quarterback a folding chair could have replaced. Ja'Marr Ja'Marr Binks (Joshua Smith) scored 144.06 while the man the team is named after scored 2.2. Gruden's Grinders (Brent Balga) finished last at 88.12, and Brent, the Grinders did not grind. Jeantyfication (Jeff Darcy) had no player on Thursday, Friday, Sunday night or Monday night, so Jeff was done by 8 p.m. Sunday, had all of Monday to sit with it, and lost anyway.

PayoutsThis week's money

High teamRemember The Tateans Luke Uliana · 145.40 points

High playerCaleb Williams QB · CHI · 37.26 · started by Joshua Smith (Ja'Marr Ja'Marr Binks)

Two payouts every week: highest team score and highest single starter. Bench points do not count.

Money raceThru Week 1

Luke Uliana and Joshua Smith are tied at 1 payout. Every weekly payout won this season, ties split.

#	Manager	Payouts	High team	High player
1	Luke Uliana Remember The Tateans	1	1	0
1	Joshua Smith Ja'Marr Ja'Marr Binks	1	0	1

Still waiting on a payout: Ben Dudash, Brent Balga, Daniel Martisofski, Davis Martisofski, Devin Golden, Jeff Darcy, Lovell Bivins, Sal Cicero, Sean Bilger, Steven Cortright.

Every week's winners

ScoreboardAll six

Sorted closest to widest. Winner on top; the running score shows who led after each window of games.

Buffalo!!!! Daniel Martisofski 116.96

Taking out the Trash Panda Lovell Bivins 114.42

Thu	Fri	Sun early	Sun late	SNF	MNF
4.1	7.3	84.9	117.0	117.0	117.0
0.0	14.0	62.7	109.1	110.1	114.4

Margin 2.54 · Left on bench 46.5 / 35.3

Brotherly Shove Sean Bilger 121.96

Hill Street Blues Davis Martisofski 116.36

Thu	Fri	Sun early	Sun late	SNF	MNF
22.2	23.2	80.7	89.4	89.4	122.0
12.0	12.0	64.9	103.5	116.4	116.4

Margin 5.60 · Left on bench 24.9 / 57.94

Iavana Humpalot Devin Golden 108.10

Jeantyfication Jeff Darcy 90.76

Thu	Fri	Sun early	Sun late	SNF	MNF
0.0	9.6	72.8	85.1	99.5	108.1
0.0	0.0	46.5	90.8	90.8	90.8

Margin 17.34 · Left on bench 56.16 / 23.6

Remember The Tateans Luke Uliana 145.40

X Gon' Gibbs It To Ya Steven Cortright 123.60

Thu	Fri	Sun early	Sun late	SNF	MNF
0.0	4.1	145.4	145.4	145.4	145.4
7.0	7.0	110.4	119.3	123.6	123.6

Margin 21.80 · Left on bench 38.1 / 22.3

LaPorta Potty Love Sal Cicero 115.06

Gruden's Grinders Brent Balga 88.12

Thu	Fri	Sun early	Sun late	SNF	MNF
20.6	44.4	76.5	106.2	106.2	115.1
9.8	9.8	65.8	74.6	86.1	88.1

Margin 26.94 · Left on bench 24.7 / 19.9

Ja'Marr Ja'Marr Binks Joshua Smith 144.06

The McBride Ben Dudash 111.90

Thu	Fri	Sun early	Sun late	SNF	MNF
6.8	6.8	100.3	108.3	144.1	144.1
0.0	15.4	35.6	85.3	111.9	111.9

Margin 32.16 · Left on bench 74.4 / 45.3

The swingsThree that turned

The Monday night mugging

Final Brotherly Shove Sean Bilger 121.96

vsby 5.60

Final Hill Street Blues Davis Martisofski 116.36

Brotherly Shove (Sean Bilger) led by 15.76 after the early games. Davis Martisofski's late-window three, Ladd McConkey 16.7, Justin Herbert 13.26 and De'Von Achane 8.6, turned it around, and CeeDee Lamb's 12.9 on Sunday night put Hill Street Blues (Davis) at 116.36 with a 27.00-point cushion. Sean had one player left: Kenneth Walker III, Chiefs, Monday night.

Walker scored 32.6 in Kansas City's 31 to 10 win and Brotherly Shove (Sean) won by 5.60. One running back erased a 27-point deficit while the rest of the league watched.

Davis will not enjoy this part. Isaiah Likely scored 23.8 on his bench while Harold Fannin Jr. started at tight end and scored 3.1. That one lineup call swung 20.7 points in a game Hill Street Blues (Davis) lost by 5.6. Sean won it with a zero from Colston Loveland and 1.0 from his kicker, so neither manager gets to feel good about the lineup card.

The one that flipped twice

Final Iavana Humpalot Devin Golden 108.10

vsby 17.34

Final Jeantyfication Jeff Darcy 90.76

Iavana Humpalot (Devin Golden) led by 26.34 after the early games. Chuba Hubbard's 22.2 kept Jeantyfication (Jeff Darcy) close, then Justin Jefferson's 27.2 in the late window, with DeVonta Smith and Omarion Hampton adding a little, flipped it. When the 4:25 games ended, Jeantyfication (Jeff) led 90.76 to 85.10 and Jeff's lineup was finished.

Devin still had Dak Prescott on Sunday night (14.4) and Travis Kelce on Monday (8.6). Dak alone covered the gap. Jeff watched two more nights of football with nothing left to play.

Two footnotes. Jeff started Kyle Pitts (0.0) and the Browns defense (–1.0), which puts two of the league's five goose eggs on one roster. Devin benched Patrick Mahomes (21.66) for Dak (14.4), which cost him nothing this week and goes on the record anyway.

The one that came up 2.54 short

Final Buffalo!!!! Daniel Martisofski 116.96

vsby 2.54

Final Taking out the Trash Panda Lovell Bivins 114.42

Closest game of the week. Buffalo!!!! (Daniel Martisofski) got 35.66 from Josh Allen, 29.7 from Christian Watson in the flex and 18.5 from DJ Moore. Taking out the Trash Panda (Lovell Bivins) answered with Jalen Hurts 24.72, Jonathan Taylor 23.6, Dallas Goedert 21.7 and the Steelers defense at 19.0. After Sunday night, Buffalo!!!! (Dan) led by 6.84 with Dan's lineup finished.

Lovell needed 6.85 combined from Jaylen Waddle and J.K. Dobbins on Monday night. Denver lost 31 to 10. Waddle scored 0.7, Dobbins 3.6, total 4.3, and Taking out the Trash Panda (Lovell) lost by 2.54.

A normal week from Brandon Aubrey (1.0), Travis Hunter (1.6) or Drake London (4.5) would have covered it too. Brock Purdy scored 21.1 on Lovell's bench, but Hurts outscored him, so there was no lineup crime here, only a bad night in Kansas City for a manager in Flint.

The restThree that didn't

Final Remember The Tateans Luke Uliana 145.40

vsby 21.80

Final X Gon' Gibbs It To Ya Steven Cortright 123.60

Remember The Tateans (Luke Uliana) scored the week's high, 145.40, with Matthew Stafford (4.1) at quarterback. D'Andre Swift 31.9, Amon-Ra St. Brown 23.7, Chris Olave 23.2, Jaguars defense 14.0. X Gon' Gibbs It To Ya (Steven Cortright) scored 123.60, third-highest of the week and higher than nine of the other eleven teams, and lost by 21.8. Jahmyr Gibbs went 31.1 and David Montgomery 27.4 for nothing. Steve drew the wrong opponent. Luke left 19.4 (Kyle Monangai) on the bench and still won by three touchdowns.

Final Ja'Marr Ja'Marr Binks Joshua Smith 144.06

vsby 32.16

Final The McBride Ben Dudash 111.90

Caleb Williams scored 37.26, the top individual mark in the league, in Chicago's 59 to 37 shootout at Carolina. Evan McPherson kicked for 19.5. Ja'Marr Ja'Marr Binks (Joshua Smith) won by 32.16 while Ja'Marr Chase scored 2.2, the Chargers defense scored 0.0 and Jalen Coker sat on Josh's bench with 29.8, the highest bench score in the league. Josh left 74.4 on the bench and needed none of it. The McBride (Ben Dudash) got 29.7 from Ashton Jeanty and 26.6 from Jaxson Dart on Sunday night, and –4.0 from the Texans defense, the worst starter score of the week.

Final LaPorta Potty Love Sal Cicero 115.06

vsby 26.94

Final Gruden's Grinders Brent Balga 88.12

LaPorta Potty Love (Sal Cicero) led from Thursday night and never trailed. Nobody on Sal's roster scored 20, Jayden Daniels topped it at 17.66, and ten starters each did a job. Gruden's Grinders (Brent Balga) scored 88.12, the low mark in the league: Bijan Robinson 27.3, then Makai Lemon 1.0, Jake Ferguson 1.6, Broncos defense 2.0 and Drake Maye 9.82. Brent's bench had 19.9 in it, so there was no help sitting there either.

ReceiptsLineup crimes

Every roster, every bench, every lineup card, checked against what a perfect lineup would have scored. Start rates are ESPN league-wide for Week 1.

Davis Martisofski Hill Street Blues

Lost by 5.60. A perfect lineup from this roster scores 148.26, which is 31.9 points left on the bench and the biggest gap in the league. Isaiah Likely (23.8) and Juwan Johnson (12.9) both sat behind Harold Fannin Jr. (3.1) at tight end, so either one wins the game. Aaron Jones (10.0) sat behind Rico Dowdle (3.1) in the flex. Tyler Loop, a kicker, was the third-best scorer on the team. Davis had three separate ways to beat Sean and chose Fannin.

Lovell Bivins Taking out the Trash Panda

Lost by 2.54. Started Travis Hunter (1.6), a player 4.5 percent of ESPN managers started this week, and J.K. Dobbins (3.6) in the flex, whom 12.3 percent started. Mark Andrews scored 6.9 on the bench. Andrews in the flex over Dobbins is 117.72, and Dan scored 116.96. Lovell beat himself by 0.76 while 95 percent of the internet knew better than to start Hunter.

Daniel Martisofski Buffalo!!!!

Won by 2.54 while starting Chris Rodriguez Jr. (2.3) at running back, a player 0.6 percent of ESPN managers started, the lowest start rate of any starter in this league. Devaughn Vele (16.4) and Deebo Samuel (15.0) sat on the bench behind Rodriguez and Terry McLaurin (2.4). Dan left 27.4 on the bench and survived on Josh Allen and Christian Watson. Lovell will not forget the Rodriguez start. Nobody should.

Joshua Smith Ja'Marr Ja'Marr Binks

Won by 32 and still turned in the sloppiest bench in the league: 34.3 points left sitting, the most of anyone. Jalen Coker (29.8), Stefon Diggs (13.5) and Denzel Boston (12.9) all sat while Ja'Marr Chase started for 2.2 and the Chargers defense started for 0.0. A perfect lineup scores 178.36. One bright spot: Evan McPherson kicked 19.5 and only 18.8 percent of ESPN started him, so Josh got one call right on purpose.

Ben Dudash The McBride

Dontayvion Wicks (14.3), Caleb Douglas (11.9) and Jakobi Meyers (11.2) sat on the bench while Davante Adams (4.1), DK Metcalf (6.0), Rome Odunze (6.2) and Tony Pollard (3.9) started. That is four starters outscored by three bench guys, plus the Texans defense at negative four. Ben left 24.2 on the bench, and a perfect lineup still loses to Josh by eight, so the bench crimes were free this week.

Devin Golden Iavana Humpalot

Won by 17 and benched Patrick Mahomes (21.66) for Dak Prescott (14.4), then benched Dalton Kincaid (15.5) behind Travis Kelce (8.6) and Quinshon Judkins (6.0). Marvin Harrison Jr. started for 3.8. Twenty points left sitting in a game Devin won anyway, which is the only reason he is reading this with a smile.

Jeff Darcy Jeantyfication

T.J. Hockenson scored 11.6 on the bench while Kyle Pitts started and scored 0.0. Kenny Gainwell started at running back for 2.3, and 14.5 percent of ESPN agreed with that. The Browns defense scored negative one and Cameron Dicker kicked for 2.0. The part that stings: a perfect lineup from this roster scores 106.26 and Devin scored 108.10. No lineup on Jeff's roster beats Devin this week. He lost at the draft.

Luke Uliana Remember The Tateans

High score of the week, and still left 18.3 on the bench. Kyle Monangai (19.4) sat behind Jaylen Warren (7.8) in the flex and Matthew Golden (12.5) sat behind Carnell Tate (5.8). Matthew Stafford went 4.1 at quarterback. A perfect lineup scores 163.7. Luke won the money with a lineup he set with one thumb.

Steven Cortright X Gon' Gibbs It To Ya

Three starters fewer than one in six ESPN managers started: Brian Thomas Jr. (5.5, started by 7.5 percent), Quentin Johnston (2.7, started by 7.7 percent) and Michael Mayer (6.2, started by 15.4 percent). Together they scored 14.4 out of three lineup spots. Brock Bowers scored 0.0 on the bench. The rest of the roster did the work and it still was not enough against Luke. Steve left 7.3 on the bench. The problem was the bench had nothing on it.

Sean Bilger Brotherly Shove

The winner gets a receipt too. Chris Godwin started for 6.3 (8.5 percent of ESPN started him) and MarShawn Lloyd started in the flex for 3.7 with Jacory Croskey-Merritt (12.1) on the bench. Colston Loveland scored 0.0 and Harrison Mevis kicked 1.0. Sean won this game with three starters who combined for 5.0 points and one running back who scored 32.6. This is not a strategy. This is a Monday night.

Brent Balga Gruden's Grinders

Makai Lemon started for 1.0, and 2.7 percent of ESPN started him. Alec Pierce started at 8.8 percent. Jake Ferguson (1.6) started at tight end with Brenton Strange (9.3) on the bench. Jordan Addison and Isiah Pacheco both scored 0.0 on the bench. A perfect lineup from this roster scores 97.82 and still loses to Sal by 17. Bijan Robinson scored 27.3 and got no help from anybody wearing the same jersey.

Sal Cicero LaPorta Potty Love

Left 3.9 on the bench, the tightest lineup in the league. Nobody scored 20, ten starters scored between 6.6 and 17.66, and Sal won by 27. Nothing to roast here, which in this league is its own kind of insult.

PointsMost to least

#	Team	Manager	Pts	Bench	Result
1	Remember The Tateans	Luke Uliana	145.40	38.1	W
2	Ja'Marr Ja'Marr Binks	Joshua Smith	144.06	74.4	W
3	X Gon' Gibbs It To Ya	Steven Cortright	123.60	22.3	L
4	Brotherly Shove	Sean Bilger	121.96	24.9	W
5	Buffalo!!!!	Daniel Martisofski	116.96	46.5	W
6	Hill Street Blues	Davis Martisofski	116.36	57.94	L
7	LaPorta Potty Love	Sal Cicero	115.06	24.7	W
8	Taking out the Trash Panda	Lovell Bivins	114.42	35.3	L
9	The McBride	Ben Dudash	111.90	45.3	L
10	Iavana Humpalot	Devin Golden	108.10	56.16	W
11	Jeantyfication	Jeff Darcy	90.76	23.6	L
12	Gruden's Grinders	Brent Balga	88.12	19.9	L

Honor rollTop starters

37.26Caleb Williams QB · CHIJa'Marr Ja'Marr Binks · Joshua Smith
35.66Josh Allen QB · BUFBuffalo!!!! · Daniel Martisofski
34.8Derrick Henry RB · BALIavana Humpalot · Devin Golden
32.6Kenneth Walker III RB · KCBrotherly Shove · Sean Bilger
31.9D'Andre Swift RB · CHIRemember The Tateans · Luke Uliana
31.1Jahmyr Gibbs RB · DETX Gon' Gibbs It To Ya · Steven Cortright
29.7Ashton Jeanty RB · LVThe McBride · Ben Dudash
29.7Christian Watson WR · GBBuffalo!!!! · Daniel Martisofski
27.4David Montgomery RB · HOUX Gon' Gibbs It To Ya · Steven Cortright
27.3Bijan Robinson RB · ATLGruden's Grinders · Brent Balga

Goose eggsWorst starters

Five starters scored zero or less. Jeff Darcy (Jeantyfication) owns two of them. The Texans defense at –4.0 for Ben Dudash (The McBride) is the low mark for Week 1.

-4.0Texans D/ST D/ST · HOUThe McBride · Ben Dudash
-1.0Browns D/ST D/ST · CLEJeantyfication · Jeff Darcy
0.0Kyle Pitts Sr. TE · ATLJeantyfication · Jeff Darcy
0.0Chargers D/ST D/ST · LACJa'Marr Ja'Marr Binks · Joshua Smith
0.0Colston Loveland TE · CHIBrotherly Shove · Sean Bilger
0.7Jaylen Waddle WR · DENTaking out the Trash Panda · Lovell Bivins
1.0Brandon Aubrey K · DALTaking out the Trash Panda · Lovell Bivins
1.0Rams D/ST D/ST · LARBuffalo!!!! · Daniel Martisofski

Bench of shameSat and scored

Points scored by players who were sitting down. Joshua Smith (Ja'Marr Ja'Marr Binks) left 74.4 on the bench, the week's high, and Jalen Coker's 29.8 was the single worst thing to leave there.

29.8Jalen Coker WR · CARJa'Marr Ja'Marr Binks · Joshua Smith
23.8Isaiah Likely TE · NYGHill Street Blues · Davis Martisofski
21.66Patrick Mahomes QB · KCIavana Humpalot · Devin Golden
21.1Brock Purdy QB · SFTaking out the Trash Panda · Lovell Bivins
19.4Kyle Monangai RB · CHIRemember The Tateans · Luke Uliana
16.4Devaughn Vele WR · NOBuffalo!!!! · Daniel Martisofski
15.5Dalton Kincaid TE · BUFIavana Humpalot · Devin Golden
15.0Deebo Samuel Sr. WR · SFBuffalo!!!! · Daniel Martisofski

Next week

Six teams are 1-0 and six are 0-1. Week 2 kicks off Thursday.

Source: ESPN league 924009, Week 1 box scores pulled 2026-09-15 after MNF final. Windows: Thu/Fri standalone games, Sunday early (1:00), Sunday late (4:05/4:25), SNF, MNF.